|I'm not feeling well. That's my excuse. Totally.|
(Pic : whatculture.com)
Chicken pox is, as you would expect, surprisingly serious in adults (2014 : the gift that keeps on giving). Obviously I'm grumpy and irritable at the moment, but there are even worse side effects. The delirium caused by body temperature swings and corrupted flesh has obviously convinced me hair metal is any good.
10. Poison – Nothing But A Good Time
If there's one thing you can say about hair metal it's that it's "fun". It's strange that such an upbeat song would start with "Not a dime, I can't pay my rent", but it perfectly captures the blue-collar weekend hedonism that was a signature the scene in the 80s.
9. Alice Cooper – Poison
The last thing I need right now is a song about being painful to touch and poison running through veins. If I could run a cheese grater over me right now I would. Alice Cooper almost faded into obscurity during the early 1980s, but suddenly pulled a rabbit out of his hat with this one, which was a commercial success.
8. Mötley Crüe – Girls, Girls, Girls
I think this might be about strippers and a celebration of the female anatomy, somehow. A strip club is pretty much the only place you'll hear it nowadays. Now you could certainly say it's degrading but it's something of a signature of this particular band considering their reputation. And then you you realise Nicki Minaj is doing stuff like this.
7. Skid Row – 18 & Life
Skid Row never really deserved to be associated with the fluffier side of hair metal as they were one of the more "serious" bands. This is a tale of teenage delinquency turned lifetime regret – not necessarily accidental murder, but the general cycle of poverty.
6. W.A.S.P – Wild Child
A massive slice of hair metal cheese and, yeah, I suppose a guilty pleasure. Many people have often tried to figure out what the acronym W.A.S.P actually means. "We Are Sexual Perverts" appears to be the favourite. Something inside me really, really wishes for a "speed wobble" at the start of the video.
5. Twisted Sister – We're Not Gonna Take It
"WHADDA YOU WANNA DO WITH YOUR LIIIIIIFE!?" Who cares what it means? I guess that's the point.
4. Mötley Crüe – Kickstart My Heart
In 1987, the band's bassist, Nikki Sixx, was declared clinically dead after a drug overdose. In a last ditch attempt to save his live, paramedics gave him not one, but two adrenaline doses directly to his heart. The result was this uplifting celebration of sobriety.
3. Guns n' Roses – November Rain
Apparently this took almost 10 years to write and perfect and feels like it lasts 10 years to listen to, accompanied by an epic video which is often considered to be one of the best. It's probably the last "great" hair metal hit.
2. Van Halen – Runnin' with the Devil
This was produced in 1978 – long before "hair metal" really came into being. Van Halen obviously laid a lot of the groundwork for what was to come. Despite the controversy the song's title caused, it was about how the rock and roll lifestyle can catch up with you and is superficial. It's actually kind of funny, ironic and cool that David Lee Roth was working as a paramedic in the 00s.
1. Ratt – Round and Round
This one has the right mix of cheese, sleaze and catchy hooks. It also has one of the strangest music videos of the period - a dinner party where everyone has dead eyes and communicates in one word grunts and hand/head signals. Precisely how Ratt got into the attic isn't explained, but if Ratts were playing in my attic I'd be going up there with a meat cleaver. Turns out the butler did it.